I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
