I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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