Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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