my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
