I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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