The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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