I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
