Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
