just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
