Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Im part way to drunk.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize