I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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