I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
