Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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