Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
