you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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