not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
