you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
