i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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