I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We just shotgunned beers for America
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
