I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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