I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
