party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize