I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
