i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
