you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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