what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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