living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Life is so much better after having sex.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
