dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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