We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
