I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
