Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I will pee on everything he values.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
