We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
