I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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