there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
