So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
