I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
