was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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