im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
