It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
