Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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