Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
