My underwear smells like fireworks.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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