we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
