WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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