Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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