I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
