Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
