At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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