I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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