i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I believe in your delicious
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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