It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
