Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My life is pants optional.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
