He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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