time to smoke my breakfast
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
