Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
