i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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