I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
