I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
