i think i have herpe
just one?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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