Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
